I lived in La la land for the longest time. I rarely visited reality, it felt oddly comfortable staying in a phase that wasn’t real. I refused to see others for what they truly were, I made excuses for my lack of fortitude and I painted an image of myself which I carried for years, the image of a girl that was no good.
It sounds terrible, maybe even shocking coming from me. Most that know me will describe me in these words; stubborn, a go-getter, straightforward. Those are the things I’ve done on the outside because no matter how I saw myself on the inside, I couldn’t stand being weak, so I made things happen, for others and for myself. Even if I was shaking on the inside you wouldn’t know it.
I stayed this way until I couldn’t anymore, growth was knocking on the door. I couldn’t stay deaf, blind and dumb when my whole body was ripping itself apart from the inside out. All the rubbish I’d said about myself, the way I perceived others to see me, they came gushing out. My deliverance had come and it was time to clean house.
These words paint a picture of my morphosis, from the girl I was to the woman I am now.
Most of us have lived mediocre lives, we eat in it, sleep in it, work in it, view ourselves through its lens and when we give in, we become it. I had to ask myself if I Iiked the way I handled things going on in my life. What about issues? It could be work related, family, friends, neighbours or any external thing you can think of.
But I didn’t just stop there, I also asked myself, what goes on in my mind when these issues take place? If I act tough on the outside, am I tough on the inside or am I conflicted, confused?
Because it’s not about reacting on the outside, it’s way more personal than that. How are you on the inside? How do you feel? Are you bothered by your outward response? And if you are, why are you bothered? Tell the truth and nothing but.
This was something I had to work on…still working on.
When I came out of La la land into reality, the first thing that hit me was, I haven’t been very good to myself all this while. I’ve paid more attention to others and the way I would be viewed in their eyes, instead of what was really best for me, what I really wanted to do for myself (I still did same today and I corrected it at the last minute, it’s progress atleast, that’s all I can ask for, progress).
I’d sabotaged myself so long that I’d gotten used to it. It was a norm for me and it felt like something I couldn’t fight, something that was a part of me.
Another harsh reality was my friends. The friends I thought had my back were really just name tags, invisible, no one was there. I always thought it was smart having few close friends; “the less people that know you the better for you” motto, but the truth is, few or not, if someone is not for you they’re not for you. And years don’t even apply, you’ll just wake up one morning and notice that you’re all alone, they’ve up and left.
Reality is a bastard but it’s the only one that will give you the harsh truth you need to spur you on the road to your morphosis.
I’ve made it my friend.
Oscar Wilde once wrote, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
So I’ll ask again, how do YOU see yourself? What’s your outlook on life, your life? We’re done paying attention to others. What do you think about self love, independence, starting afresh?
I told my friend the day before that Christ didn’t die and rise again so that I could live in mediocrity, in limitations. No! No he didn’t.
This is something we’re going to work on, every day, every minute, to love on ourselves. If you notice yourself doing something you don’t like, remind yourself that you deserve love. Don’t cut yourself anymore.
Love is real, to love is to live. Loving yourself and allowing space for growth is the best gift you can give yourself. The patterns show a trend, that’s your legacy. Your choices get you there.
I noticed I don’t allow rubbish smear my loved ones, I won’t even allow them think rubbish of themselves but when it comes to me, I even offer it tea. Lol
But no more, we have closed shop! I’d rather spend my life doing the things that make me glow from within than consoling myself everytime something happens. We move!
Brazen 💪
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Brazen with Vanessa 