Helpless

(Previously published on Naijastories)

Love me, you said.
Want me, you said.
Need me, you said.
Foolishly, I did all that and now I’m lost, drowning in the chaos that is you.

I have no hold on myself, no control, you have them all. Without you I’m helpless, needy. Without you I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe. You’ve won me over. Completely over. And I know that it’s bad, the way I feel about you, the way we feel about each other but we can’t help it. I can’t help it.

You are my heaven on earth, the reason I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, but you are also my pain, the only one with the power to break me and even with that I’m still helpless to not give in.
We say love’s not supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to rip your heart out and stomp on it till you feel like you’re dying, but I’m so lost in you. We’re lost in each other. It’s insane and we’ve both accepted that that’s the illness we’re suffering from.

Everyone says we are not good for each other, we know it’s true. God! How many times have we hurt each other, made each other unhappy, but you see, I’m happier with you than without you. It’s crazy, we’re crazy but there’s nothing that can be done. You’ve taken my soul just as I’ve taken yours.

I hate that I love you this way but I can’t help myself. I need you. I hate feeling like my happiness depends on you but to be honest, it does. It sounds sick I know but like I said, I can’t help myself. In a way, I’m glad because I’m not alone in this. You are crazy, possessive, almost obsessive and stupidly in love with me. You do stupid things because of me and I do the same because of you, which is why we are no good for each other.

Take a break, we said.
Explore other options, we said.
Meet new people, we agreed.
Those days were the worst days of my life, I cried more than I felt the wind on my face. But when I saw you, I smiled and pretended all was well. My pretense broke when I saw that girl all over you. My heart broke a thousand pieces and I didn’t know how I was still breathing. If that was what moving on felt like, I didn’t want it. So I came over and introduced myself as a friend to your new “friend”.
I did it, you see. I was able to prove to myself that I could. On the inside I hurt but on the outside I could still pretend.

You are no good for me; you were no good for me. Right there I picked up a guy. I would be happy, I would survive without you. But I never got that far with him, I went looking for you just as you came looking for me, ditching your “friend”. And when we met at the end of that night and realised what we’d done, I can still remember you saying “Screw this” just as you reached for me.

I guess that was apt. Screw it all, never minding that before my heart was hurting like a bitch or that we’d gone back on our words. But honestly, there’ll never be anyone for me, no chance for anyone with me since the moment I saw you.

So this is it, no going back, I’m no longer fighting this feeling. I love you, you love me. Whatever comes, I’ve got you and though my heart is at the risk of breaking, I’m jumping all in.
God! No more excuses, we’re taking this chance, we only live once and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if we would have made it. I’m happy with you, the world is right with you, that’s all that matters.

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